Jokes

I just heard a good joke and thought we might as well have a thread to tell jokes on.

Joan Baez just told this one in a concert on the radio.

Three microsurgeons are sitting around bragging about their prowess.

The first one says; "They brought this guy in, he was playing with firecrackers and blew off all ten fingers. They brought him to me and no problem, I reattched all of them and now he's as good as new. He's better. Tomorrow he is playing the piano with the philharmonic."

The second one says; "This guy was in a car accident and he lost both arms and both legs. They brought him to me and he was in surgery for 42 hours and my hand was perfectly steady.He is doing great. He's going to run the 400m in the olympics."

The last one said; "They brought me a strange case. This guy was riding his horse, didn't watch where he was going and was hit by a freight train going 60mph. All I had to work with was a cowboy hat and a horse's ass. The surgery was a success of course, now he's the president."

One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

My friend Craig likes cruel jokes and jokes that make no sense whatsoever. Examples:

Cruel: Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing?

A.Cause she had no arms.

Weird: Q. What's green and brown, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

A. A pool table.

Yeah...weird.

Highlight the following for the answers! :o)

Q: How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
A:Open the door and put him in.

Q:How do you get a girraffe into a refrigerator?
A:Open the door, take out the elephant, and put the girraffe in.

Q:The lion king calls a meeting. Who doesn't attend?
A:The girraffe. He's still in the refrigerator.

Q:You're on a safari and have to cross crocodile infested waters. What's the quickest way across?
A:Swim. The crocodiles are at the lion king meeting!

Hope you enjoyed! :o)

two Irish men walk out of a bar.....hey, it could happen.

How many Emo musicians does it trake to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, one to screw it in, the other to write a song about how much he misses the old one.

How many Fruheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all insist that the burned-out bulb is just on a "temporary hiatus."

(I know I didn't make this up, but I don't remember who did. It must have been someone on this site, so feel free to take credit if it's yours.)

How many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(in a yiddish accent) None, I should sit in the dark.

An Irish folk musician told this at a gig (and I love it):

Three Irishmen are stranded in the desert. As they are walking along they find a lamp. One of them rubs the lamp and to their surprise, a Genie emerges.The Genie says he will grant a wish to any of them.
The first Irishman says: "I like to be in a pub in Dublin with lots of Guinness". Off he goes. The second Irishman says: "I'd like to be on a Caribbean island with lots of young women". Off he goes. But the third Irishman really has problems making up his mind. "What's your wish?" asks the Genie. "Oh", replies the third Irishman, "I'm feeling so lonely here. I want my two friends back."

Heh...I heard that as a blonde joke.
:)

my brother made this one up.

have you heard the one about the red sweatpants?
they're BLUE!

yeah. i still don't get it. :)

How drunk was he when he made that up?

Is it really worse than the old man with the long white beard?

he wasn't drunk, actually--just giddy and sleep-deprived and about ten years old.

and nothing is worse than the old man with the long white beard.

old man with a long white beard?

which you must now tell us, since it's been mentioned twice.

Since my Ho asked I guess I have to tell it. Make believe I'm putting an lj cut in about here. This is going to take a while.

There was a rich old man with a long white beard. He was lonely so he adopted a young boy. He treated the boy wonderfully, taking him everywhere and giving him everything he needed. They were so close that they slept in the same bed (get your mind out of the gutter, this was perfectly innocent). Each night before they went to sleep the old man would take his beard and put it outside the covers. The boy was curious why so one day he said, "Father," for that is what he called the old man, "Father, how come each night before you go to sleep you take your long white beard and put it outside the covers?"

As soon as he asked the old man slapped the boy across the street and said, "Ask me that again and I'll send you back to the orphanage."

The boy was shocked, the old man had never treated him with anything but kindness. The next day the old man felt bad and he took the kid to a ballgame.

All this made the young man even more curious so a week later he gets up the courage to ask again. "Father," for that is what he called the old man, "Father how come every night before you go to sleep you take your long white beard and put it outside the covers?"

The old man hit the boy so hard he was thrown across the room and said, "Ask me that again and I'll send you back to the orphanage." The next day he felt so bad that he took the kid to the circus, and then the toystore and told the boy he could buy anything he wanted.

Now the boy was really curious. He had to know the answer. So he waited about a month, and tried again. "Father," for that is what he called the old man, "Father how come every night before you go to sleep you take your long white beard and put it outside the covers?"

The old man took the kid and threw him out the window, as hte kid was falling he shouted after him, "Ask me that again and I'm sending you back to the orphanage."

The kid was on the hospital for two months. When he got out the old man felt so bad that he took the kid on an around the world cruise. They started in New York and sailed to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Lisbon, then through the straights of Gibralter to Rome, and Athens. It went through the Suez canal and on to India, China, Japan, Australia and then across the Pacific and through the Panama Canal.

When they were passing through the third lock the boy got up his courage to ask again. "Father," for that is what he called the old man. "Father, I know you will kill be but I have to know. How come every night before you go to sleep you take your long white beard and put it outside the covers?"

You know what the old man did? ...

He sent him back to the orphanage.

um.

?

are you kidding? Child abuse is HYSTERICAL. I say best joke ever! Woulda been better if he killed him, THEN sent him back to the orphanage though.

erm.... am i the only dumb one here? or do other people not get that either?

Get what?
Which joke are you referring to?

theres nothing to get. no punch line. NOTHING!! he just sends the damn kid back to the orphanage for asking!

It is the ultimate shaggy dog story. I can make it longer too. i save that for long car rides.

you've never heard me tell the green gorilla joke.

Oh realy? are you sure about that?

Have you heard me tell the green gorilla joke?

No.:D

A San Francisco cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

�

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

�

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

�

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that; #1, you Have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

�

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

�

"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker�blush.

�

But when they get back on the road, cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

�

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied; I must confess that I'm married and I'm Jewish."

�

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

heh - i've heard that joke, but it wasn't quite so innocent.

let's just say, dear kevin didn't just kiss the old man.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of dead leaves?

Russel.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall?

Art.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Cause it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

Cause it was stapled to the koala.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Mat.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?

Skip.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the grill?

Frank. or if it's a girl, Patty.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?

Screwed.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene.

What if she's Asian?
Irene.

What did the cockney driver say to the three-headed, no-armed, one-legged hitchhiker?
'ello 'ello 'ello!� You look 'armless enough!� 'op in!

Two cows were in a field.� One said to the other "are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"� The other one answered "why should I be...I'm a helicopter!"

Two helicopters were in a field.�� One said to the other "are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"� The other one answered "why should I be?� I'm a helicopter..."

two muffins are baking in an oven. one of them says "Daaaamn, it's hot in here." The other one says "OH MY GOD! A talking muffin!"

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene.

Yeah, I heard Scott Deringer tell that one last night at Comix Cafe here in Rochester.

She works at IHOP, right?

-- Pauley

What do you call five men with no arms and no legs and one woman with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

bob, bob, bob, bob, bob 'n A-anne.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pot of boiling water?

Stu

A French man, and Englishman, and a Scotsman are in a bar.

The Englishman looks into his pint and finds a fly drowned in his beer. He says nothing but pushes the glass away and quietly orders another.

A while later the Frenchman looks into his pint and also finds a fly. He jumps up, knocks the beer over onto the bar and screams at the bartender to bring him another FREE beer.

Once things calm down the Scott looks into his beer and ALSO sees a fly. He reaches in very carefully and takes out the fly and then screams at it "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"

Heeee. I heard that one from Peter Mulvey. :)

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish!

=========

Why didn't Helen Keller scream as she went over the cliff?

She had mittens on.

How did Helen Keller burn half her face?

She answered the iron.

How'd she burn the other half?

They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog bite her?

You would too if your name was Arhghrhg.

Why was Helen Keller's ankle yellow?

Her dog was blind, too.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.

Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?
'Cause she was a woman.

bump bumpity bump bump, bump bump.

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on
it. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The
octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his
$50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third
guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles
with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the
man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and
says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get those pajamas off."

To which the man says "Holy shit! A talking octopus!"

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

A pirate walks into a bar. I mean, a full fledged, parrot-on-his-shoulder pirate.

It eventually becomes apparent to the bartender that this particular pirate has a steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender finds this unusual.

"Hey, pirate dude," says the bartender, "Why do you have a steering wheel stuck down your pants? I mean, isn't that a little uncomfortable?"

(In your best pirate voice)
"Yarrrr," says the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts."

no no no...the punchline is: "Yarrrr! It's drivin' me balls!"

okay..maybe not.