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A man rushes to his doctor's office and says, "Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I've got a carrot in my left ear and a banana in my right ear and a chicken wing up my nose!" "Well, son," the old doctor says. "It's quite obvious you haven't been eating properly."

A guy walks into a bar....ouch.

In that vein...

"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it and ducked."

-- Pauley

so, Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...

hey, it could happen.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?


..

fo' drizzle!!

Heee!

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

....

we' jammon

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

How do you keep a stupid person busy?

Click for answer. (work safe)

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.


D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."


E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
\

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

Wow.
That's impressive.
:)

Reminds me of Les Barker. A must for anyone who loves puns. :)

Yep that's a weak point of mine: I love puns even bad ones :D

I read through the whole (impressive) thing and never saw the line I was waiting for:

"Better C-sharp or you'll B-flat"

*Fru flashes back to Oberlin College, 1996 and Dave's new "A-flat demolished" chord

Q: What's green and has wheels?


A: The grass. I was kidding about the wheels! :o)


...All the rest of my favorite jokes involve me standing within 3 feet of you, so you don't want to know. :oD

Three surgeons were talking and as often happens they started telling stories to show how good they were.

The first surgeon said, "I had a patient that was a concert pianist. His hand was cut off in a freak kitchen accident. I reattached the hand and tonight he is performing at Carnegie Hall."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. I operated on a skiier that was run over by a snowmobile and his right leg torn off. I reattached the leg and this month he's a favorite to win a gold medal at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "I have you both beat. A cowboy was riding on his horse and was hit by a train. I had nothing left to work with but his hat and the horse's ass. That cowboy is now the president of the United States.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are all at a bar when a fly lands in each of their beers.

The Englishman politely pushes his beer aside and asks for another glass.

The Irishman shrugs his shoulders, picks the fly out and throws it over his shoulder and keeps drinking.

The Scot picks out the fly and shouts, "Spit it out you wee bastard!"

Heee....I learned that one from Peter Mulvey. :)

A Prairie Home Companion Joke Show 1999

(scroll down a bit)

that doesn't have my favorite garrison keillor joke about ice fishing, though.

about how to catch a fish.

You open up a can of peas.... put the peas around the hole.... and when the fish comes up to take a pea you grab him. :D

An American goes to Israel. In order to "fit in" with the natives, he decides to buy a camel as his primary mode of transportation.

One day, his camel goes missing.

He goes to the police, to report the missing camel.

Officer: Eh, so wee need to feel dees form. Wat color was dees camal? Gray? Brown?

American: Oh, I don't know... camel color, I guess.

Officer: Ok... eh, deed it have wan hamp? Tooo hamps?

American: Um, come to think of it, I really can't remember how many humps it had.

Officer: Eh, was it a male camal or a female camal?

American: Oh, it was definitely a male camel.

Officer: Eh, so you do not know eef eet waz grey or brown, how many hamps eet had. But you know eet waz male? Nu? How doo you know?

American: Easy. Every time I go out, all I hear are people saying "would you look at the schmuck on that camel!?!"

Only a putz would tell that joke...

dork

I thought your joke was funny, but I suspect that, for example, Norg's Yiddish isn't so good... :)

(no... I'm saying dork... it's another word for schmuck or putz)

I got it, but I thought I'd explain our banter for the non MOTs out there. Although I guess dork isn't Yiddish.

Hee when I read the subject line I expected a joke about smokers ;-D

two muffins are in the oven, and one says to the other 'Damn, it's hot in here.'

The other one responds, 'OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!'

Ahhh, you beat me to it!

A little guy walks into a coffeeshop and says; "I'll have a nice hot rich cup of coffee and I'm not going to pay for it because I'm not afraid of anyone."

The pwner at the counter doesn't want to create a scene so he gives him the coffee.

The next day the same little guy walks into the coffeeshop and says, "I want a nice hot rich cup of coffee and I'm not going to pay for it because I'm not afraid of anyone"

This goes on for a few days and the owner of the coffeeshop decides to higher a goon to take care of the guy.

The next day the little guy walks into the shop and says; "I want a nice hot rich cup of coffee and I'm not going to pay for it because I'm not afraid of anyone."

The goon walks up to him and says, "I'm not afraid of anyone either. What do you say to that?"

"Make that two nice hot rich cups of coffee and we're not going to pay for them because we are not afraid of anyone."

Next the story of Benny.

A little boy walks into a library and says very loudly; "I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER FRENCH FRIES AND A COKE."

The librarian says; "Little boy, this is a library."

The little boy whispers; "I'll have a hamburger, french fries, and a coke."

This is my fav. one to tell to my ex-college roomie from Jersey...

Q: What's the different about Jersey Girls & Trash?

A: Trash gets taken out!!!! BWAHAHAHHAHA!!!

Ouch.

I think I need a drink now.

I got chocolate milk!

Ok, so two Irishmen walk out of a bar..

Hey, it could happen.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A rolling stone says "Hey you! Get off my cloud!"

A Scotsman says "Hey, McCleod! Get off my Ewe!"

Why was the Irishman buried on the side of the hill?










because he was dead.

A man does to see his doctor and says "Doc! I've got five testicles!"

The doctor asks: "Oh yeah? And how do you pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"

Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong once had a contest to see who had more testicles. Chuck Norris won by five.

What's the difference between a rose and a BMW?

The rose has its pricks on the OUTside...

Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the
Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh & the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said "I give up! This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I pointed down to let him know that wewere staying right here in this land."
Yes, yes and then???" asked the crowd.
I don't know", said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

That very same joke is told about The Pope and the Jew, Moishe.� In fact, it's in the wikipedia under Jewish humor.

Which makes a lot more sense since traditionally there weren't many Sikhs in Rome. Not only that the ones there weren't easy to find. So much so that the difficulty in finding them became proverbial. People would play hide and Sikh.

true...i dunno, i just got it in an email and put it up.� hahaha, "hide and Sikh"

Did you hear about the pizzaria that went bankrupt? They couldn't raise the dough.

Got that one from funky winkerbean

...the waiter asks what he'd like on his pizza.

the buddhist replies. "make me one with everything"

(I got this one from a folk musician who posted it onmyspace. :D)

Brokeback Mountain gives a whole new meaning to the term
"COWBOY UP" don't you think??

I don't know, what does the term "Cowboy Up" mean?

a term from the sport of rodeo and there �describes riders who get thrown, dust themselves off, and get back on the horse.� Apparently, the phrase is owned by the company Wyoming West Design, based in Jackson.


http://www.carstickers.com/search.php?pg=1&stext=cowboy

I'd make a Cheney joke but that would be like shooting ducks in a barrel. Of course that wouldnt' have stopped him.

KFC approached the pope with a multimillion dollar business offer- If, in the lord's prayer, he would change 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken', KFC would donate ten million dollars to the church. The pope refused.
The next day, KFC came back with the same offer, but this time they would give 100 million to the church. again, the pope refused.
The next day, KFC approached the pope with the same offer, but this time for one billion dollars. The pope agreed.
After closing the deal, the pope adressed all of his highest cardinals.
'I have good news and bad news,' he said. 'The good news is that we have one billion dollars. The bad news- we lost the wonder bread account'.

two guys are having a beer in a bar that happens to be located on the fifth story of small skyscraper. The tender behind the bar heads into the back for a minute. Lush #1 tells lush two that if you just off the ledge, the winds hit the building at such a speed and angle that they'll catch you and lift you back up. Lush 2, tells the other one he's carzy..#1, says no, no, I'll show you...sure enough, they go to the fenced in ledge and #1 takes a step over the fence. He raises his arms and jumps off as in a swan dive...he falls, six inches off the ground, sure enough the winds catch him and lift him back up....#2, looking dumbfounded, can't believe it, steps over the fence , raises his arms, and swan dives himself...he hits pavement with a fatal thud...The bartender, running to the first lush from the back says " God damnit Superman, why do you do that everytime I leave the room?"

That joke used to be told about a tourist at the World Trade Center. Can't do that one anymore.

The punchline works better if you say, "Clark" instead of Superman.

See I always heard it as Empire State Building and the punch line was: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

Well the actual punchline I heard was.

I hate it when you F*&% around like that Clark.
Sorry Lois.

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q. What's green and sticky?

A. A stick wearing camoflauge.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on the wall?

Art

What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs outside the front door?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that stabs people?

Lance.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

What if the woman with one leg is Asian?

Irene.

"'Rai dee dai' huh, very funny. I hate you guys"

You realize I thought you were talking about me until like, two seconds ago, right? Stupid DVN reference. ;oP

Wow, talk about a delayed reaction getting a joke :

What do you call an irish girl with no arms and no legs sitting on your deck.

Patty O'Furniture

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs waterskiing?
A: Skip

what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pot of boiling water?

stu.

what do you call 5 men with no arms and legs or one woman with no arms and no legs loating in the ocean?

bob, bob, bob, bob , bob or a-anne. (think beach boys)

Q: what do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: homeless!

Q: What do you call a guy who always hangs around musicians?

A: A drummer.

Funny you should say that about drummers, John, the music guy who plays at the afh started telling this joke and I jumped in with the answer.� Now I'm curious as to what he was going to say...

John: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Me:� None, get the drummer to do it.


Another one just for the hell of it

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?

A:� A folk musician with a mortgage.

I've got lots of lightbulb jokes!

Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You know, while we're in there, we might as well take that socket out, too - you're not really using it, and it's only going to cause more trouble later.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3. One to stand on the ladder, one to push her off, and one to say "isn't that a little high for you, dear?"

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: How many fruheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just sit in the dark insisting that the burned-out bulb is "on a temporary hiatus."

Back in the day of AMMF I gave as a challenge to complete the joke "how many fruheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Good answer.,

Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. One but it has to want to change

Q. How many sensitive new age guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they like it just the way it is.

Darn. Psychologists is one of my favorites. I can't believe I forgot it.

What's the difference between a neurotic, a psychotic, and a psychiatrist?

A neurotic builds castles in the sky, a psychotic lives in them, and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

In the same vein..


Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They empower it to change itself!

Though my favorite social work joke is:

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my penis. I mean my mother. I mean the ladder!

The light will turn on! I swear! It will!

I do believe in fairies.
I do believe in fairies.
I do believe in fairies.

Q: How do you make Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: You can't. He'd just declare darkness the new standard.

Q: How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

Q. How do you tell if a stage is even?

A. The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.

How can you tell when a lead singer is at your front door?

-He�can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in...

My friend Liz made this up when she was about 12 and...it's so ridiculous it's funny. Well, at least to us.

What do you call the mayor of a town full of cows?

The utter authority!

I just have to post this :P

She must be in my class.

A classic is (sin x)/n = six. How? just cancel the ns in the numerator and denomenator.

An actual student in my class did f(x)/x = f.

A friend's student once referred to Malcom X as Malcom the Tenth.

My teenage cousin once asked, "Where did the states go when they seceded?"

This is a imdb quote for the upcoming movie

Dusty: " Why do they call it PMS?" "Because Mad Cow was taken

How do catholic lumberjacks practice birth control?

Logerithm [Logger Rhythm].

---

The the population of adders in Yosemite park was declining. They were having trouble breeding successfully. A park ranger said, "I can fix that?" He went outside and found some logs from fallen trees. He took a hammer and a saw and worked them into a table. The other rangers said, "What the hell are you doing? How is this going to help the adders?"

The Ranger replied, "Everyone knows that with a log table adders can multiply."

---

There is a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer in a room. How can you figure out which is which by asking one question?

You ask them, "Are all odd numbers greater than one prime?"

The Mathematician says, "one, three, five, seven, nine. No they are not."

The Physicist says, "one, three, five, seven, nine [pause], eleven, thirteen. Yes they are with an experimental error at nine."

The Engineer replys, "one, three, five, seven, nine. Yes they are."

i only know one math joke:

Q: Whats the square root of 1/cabin?
A: Houseboat.� (log(cabin) + C) (log cabin plus sea)

The question is "What is the integral of 1/cabin" not square root.

Now I'm mad that I forgot that one. I used to always show that to my classes.

Oops - you're right! :D duh. it's been a long time since math.

There is a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer in a room. How can you figure out which is which by asking one question?

You ask them, "Are all odd numbers greater than one prime?"

The Mathematician says, "one, three, five, seven, nine. No they are not."

The Physicist says, "one, three, five, seven, nine [pause], eleven, thirteen. Yes they are with an experimental error at nine."

The Engineer replys, "one, three, five, seven, nine. Yes they are."

And the Computer Scientist replies "one, one, one, one..."

Math limerick

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0


A dozen a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
All divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more!


The other one I know is an integral one. You can find it here

A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the zoo. While there,he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy, and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said. The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief so the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct. The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice. The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right...I'm farty-two!"

A snail and a millipede are over at the snail's house, hanging out in the back yard, having a barbeque and a few beers. After running out of beer, the snail says "Hey Millipede, can you go to the store and get more beer? I'm a snail and walk very slowly, it would take me forever. You're a millipede, you move much faster than I can".

The millipede thinks thats a good point so he heads off to get beer while the snail stays in the back yard, polishing off the last beer.

Half an hour goes by without any sign of the millipede and the snail becomes worried about his friend.

45 minutes go by and when it's been an hour without seeing the millipede, the snail decides to head out find the millipede.

So the snail leaves the back yard, goes through his house and when he gets to the front door sees the millipede standing there!!

Millipede! It's been an hour!! I was worried about you! Where have you been, and more importantly, where's the beer!?!!?

And the Millipede replies "I haven't left for the store yet. I'm still putting my shoes on."

A psychologist decides to study centipedes. He trains a centipede to jump when it hears a bell ring. Now as you know a centipede has 50 pairs a legs. The foremost pair have evolved into poison pincers. The psychologist cut of the rear pair of legs and rang the bell; the centipede jumped. He then cut off the rearmost remaining pair of legs and rang the bell; the centipede jumped. He kept repeating the procedure and the centipede jumped each time the bell rang. Finally her removed the second to last pair of legs, leaving only the frontmost, which as you know have evolved into poison pincers. He rang the bell and the centipede did not jump. He then published his conclusion.

When you removed all the legs from a centipede except for the foremost pair, which have evolved into poison pincers, the centipede goes deaf.

A man walks into a drug store and asks the guy at the counter, "Do you have cotton balls?"

The counterman replies, "What? Do I look like a teddy bear?"

What's a Pirate's favorite letter?

P! It's like an Aaargh, but it's missing a leg!

I may be dense... but I'm stumped here.

Does this help?

It's like an "R," but it's missing a leg.

oh dear god. *smacks forehead*

I haven't had my coffee today. sorry. :D

I thought you understood but were joking with the "stumped."

Me too. :) I thought it was the start of a pun war.

All the pundits thought so.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.  The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with the steering wheel?  That's gotta uncomfortable."  The pirate replies,

"Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts."

You got the joke wrong, and it's drivin' me balls! 

Posted by hkath on Feb 24 2004 - Arrrr! It's drivin' me balls!
Posted by goovie on Feb 25 2004 - "arrr! it's driving me BALLS!"
Posted by goovie on Jun 08 2004 - arrrrr! it's driving me balls!
Posted by Chris_C. on Feb 09 2005 - it's driving me balls.

Why did the turtle cross the freeway? Take the 'F' out of free and take the'F' out of way...

There's no f****n way!

I love Eric Schwartz's joke and the bride and groom with the blow jobs bfore the ceremony! ROFL!

A man calls over the waiter and says "excuse me, there's a needle in my soup."

The waiter replies "oh, that's just a typographical error."