Nerves

...I've always hated that too. I wind up doing the first few sessions with a new shrink like speeches on a dais, all "okay I had my first therapist when I was nine and this is why and then I stopped because she was dumb and then I had two more but I don't remember them at all and then later I had this one guy who was okay and I was in the mental ward for three weeks and four days and this is why I was there and this is why it didn't do me any good and here is a list of the meds I have been on and yeah I was sexually assaulted when I was sixteen but actually it didn't wind up being that big a deal or rather it was but then I worked through that with my last therapist before moving to New York and here is a list of the places I have lived and why and etc etc etc blah blah blah."

at any rate, I hope she's nice and that you like her. and any decent shrink won't pay too much attention to *when* you say certain things so much as *what* you say :)

*hugs*

Thanks.

Paul was helping talk it out with me and part of the problem is I see shrinks as authority figures when I shouldn't. Like...it's their job to help me and be what I need. But I have this thing where I can't help but feel like they're a boss or parent or teacher. And I'm scared of making them disappointed in me, I'm scared that if I'm too crazy they'll tell on me. To whom, I have no idea. But you know what I mean? I put myself in this totally inferior role. And that's scary...it makes me need their approval too much.

I've been there too. I think the hardest part to reconcile if you have any issues with that sort of thing at all (which lord knows I do) is that they are kind of technically there to judge you. I mean, not necessarily from the moral perspective, but from the perspective of having to compare your particular matrix of problems to other patients' and what they read in college etc. in order to try to figure out what you need.

For my part I guess I cope with that with two ways - first I keep in mind that it's ME who's paying them large sums of money to poke my brain with proverbial sticks, so it's ME who gets to decide whether or not they are doing a good enough job or not, and second I know most of my own demons so well that I go in there with a fair set of criteria for moving forwards, which I'd bargain you could do as well. Meaning, I know pretty much what's wrong with me at any given point in time, and even if I don't know exactly how to get there I at least know *some* goals I want to achieve. That way I get to direct THEM to what I'm looking for and judge THEM according to how well they're listening to me and whether or not I believe they can support me in achieving those goals.

And, to blather on even further, one of the things that a shrink can teach you (especially you :) - whether they're great or sucky - is to trust your gut and your instincts about that. To trust yourself to know whether they're good enough for you, to trust yourself to know where to push yourself, and to trust yourself to know that you're working towards a happier life and that is a good thing.

how'd it go?? You like her?