Ill of the Dead

Well, I definately know what you're talking about.

First off, understand that emotions like shame and regret are learned emotions. Society teaches you when to apply these emotions. There's no biological reason for feeling shamed.

Is there an adequate reason logically? Are you maligning the man by discussing him? I would make the claim that discussing him is therapeutic to you and that talking about him is a good thing either way. It's a darker thought, but his feelings are not going to get hurt. Are you going to offend those around you? Those who knew him?

There's a big difference between saying "my dad was a horrible person. I hate him. There was nothing good about him." and saying "my dad did some horrible things. I feel a lot of hurt, but I acknowledge that there were good and pure things about him".

It's normal to be hurt and angry, it's healthy to be hurt and angry to some extent. At the stage I'm at, I feel almost nothing but rage. But that's this week, and last month I was numb. So that's progress. If I couldn't talk about my dad I'd go crazy in the head.

Anyways, if you need someone to talk to who certainly wouldn't judge you on dad-issues (given my own background) then feel free to grab me sometime. *hugs*

What he said. But yeah. I think there is a difference between "not loving" and "loving anyway" - and that most of the time most people are "loving anyway." That we love those whom we love *regardless* of their faults, *in spite* of their faults, and sometimes even *because* of their faults - but that that doesn't mean we love less, or don't love, or love badly.

Meaning - having known you and your dad, I think both of you loved each other just because you were, and I think that both of you respected each other in some ways, and I think both of you had some extremely powerful relationships with one another (and, yeah, I meant that as a plural :). All that said, and as much as we might like to believe otherwise, love does not, in fact, conquer all, and love is not enough to eat off of. Most of the time when we love someone we have to take the good with the bad. In your case, there was a lot of good, but there was also a lot of bad, and you weren't really in an emotional position or old enough to handle the amount of bad that went with the good.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that a person's faults do not necessarily make him or her a *bad person,* and that recognizing those faults do not make one a *bad person* either. Just that part of honoring someone's memory, over time, IS coming to terms with the real meaning that person had in one's life, in both the good and the bad ways.

That, and that you are so often scared of what people might think of you for doing or feeling something or saying or acting something, and that of all the cases where you don't have to worry, this is it. Your dad loved you in his own way, and you loved him in your own way, and that is the part that will shine through at the end, but in the meantime there IS a lot of crap to deal with, some of which he left you.

Being a good man is not the same thing as being a perfect man. And loving your dad does not mean that you have to love every single thing about him, or every single memory of every single minute of your lives. People are great sometimes, and they suck sometimes. That's how it goes. The fact that he sucked sometimes doesn't mean that you love him any less NOW than it did when he was alive.

hugs!! :)

I was made to feel that way at my uncle's funeral last year.

He was a good man, but he had an interesting life, he had a LOT of kids, with several different mothers.

he was a son of gun, not in a bad way--he was a very interesting man...

I think it's cheating a person to remember only a part of them.

You loved your dad. and your history is part of your relationship with him.

Keep it whole. don't edit--everything that happened is a part of who you are, some of your strengths, and some of weaknesses.

*hugs* we all know how much you love your father.
you do him no disrespect.