Long Distance Relationships

My friend is involved in a long distance relationship and wants to know how other people handled it and how it worked out? I know they are pretty common in these parts. Did you have an open relationship while apart? How often did you see each other? Any tips? I know whenever someone says, "I have a friend with this problem" they usually mean themselves. In this case I really don't. I'd be afraid of you not believing me but that would mean you believed I was in a relationship. Now that is stretching the imagination.

do i need to respond? you both lived thru my story, so i don't think i can offer anything new.

Lotsa email and IRC chat, a reasonably high phone bill, and visits whenever possible and a few times when they weren't really possible.

There were some rough patches, sure, but we made it through, and we're married now. And the rough patches still happen :-)

I failed when I tried it.

I think a big important factor is that one or both of the parties needs to be willing to move somewhere down the line. A lot of people get into these things without really assessing whether they can make that kind of change.�I thought I could. I was wrong.

And not related to my own experience but good advice I've seen...whether it be open or not I think the ground rules need to be clearly spelled out. And *meant*. Don't just say you're OK with someone seeing others while you're apart just to keep them if you really would have a problem with it. Because it will come back to hurt the relationship. People can honor what you say and agree to, but don't expect them to honor what you mean.

And I'm babbling.

As a very wise person once said to me.... the trick of a long distance relationship is not "making it work" ... it's "making it work long enough for it to no longer be long distance".

Seems obvious, I know, but... it really just stated it more clearly than anything else had.

Sometimes it works out... sometimes it just ... doesn't.

Sounds familiar. :-)� We didn't do as much email, since I was on a borrowed account, but I remember the high phone bills and the 930-miles-in thirteen-hours drives after the impossible visits.

if it's "Right," it'll eventually work out. if it's not, then no amount of forcing or trying can make it so.

similarly, in a trusting relationship, the declared "openness" is really unnecessary - no one should prevent the other person from spending time with other friends who are of a datable gender - see above comment about "if it's Right." (I suppose, then, that an open relationship could apply to intimate contact with others, which all people view differently, so there isn't a right or wrong answer as far as that goes)

if there's no trust, though, then there's no relationship.

Well I have a relatively sucessful one for 4 years until�he lost his job and then his mind (although I'm not sure in that order). In the end he kept saying wonderful things about our future that I think he was trying to convince himself of more than me. Once�I wanted the future to be now he couldn't cope.

Fast forward to another opportunity to date a really wonderful and fabulous (and way cute) marine bioloist who lives two hours away. I came to realize that an LDR isn't so much about the relationship as the lifestyle and I really just couldn't do it again.

So what have I learned? I guess nothing and I've promised to uphold a moratorium on dating until the All-Star break (everything relates to baseball).

by the time i get home it will have been 11 months 1 day and some odd hours since i'll have seen chris.

has it been easy? no. has it been that hard? no.

but perhaps that has more to do with the fact that i was single for five years before we started dating, being "single" in body (meaning no boyfriend actually there) was easy for me.

We had one rule: no cheating. if someone/something came along that you found interesting, the rule is to phone the other person before doing ANYTHING. to break it off.

therefore any potential fling would carry the weight of "is this person worth what i have with chris/renita?" not that i was ever seriously tempted.

i found that even when i did find myself attracted to someone, i could easily say, "yah, but i'd rather be with chris" that was enough for me.

here's a tip. it's easy for miscommunications to happen when you're talkign in emails and over the phone. never stop talking in the middle of an disagreement, chances are it's mostly miscommunication.

set phone dates. i put aside several evenings because i had a "date". Once set, don't let anything take priority (unless you know, it's like an emergency-type thing, that's okay ;D )

I think another thing that helped with my situation is that i've always had a return date. or rather, we've known since the beginning that i'd be coming back in august, and since before christmas we've known it would be august 8th.

here i'd have to say, only do the open relationship if you'd be equally comfortable having one when distance isn't an issue.

We had 200 dollar phone bills (in 1988 dollars). We had theoretically broken it off when we moved to different cities but we spent a lot on contact, and eventually it because clear that we hadn't broken it off at all. So letters (yes, once people actually sent those) and phone calls. Phone sex, and teddy bears to hug. Visits whenever possible, and we did that for 10 months and then knew that our future would have to include geographic proximaty.

I'm in a long-distance relationship right now. Not only that, it's also my first relationship. So in one way, it all seems so weird, but it also seems incredibly normal because I have nothing to compare it to.

I met him in Arizona. We were friends from the beginning of the semester, and then started dating six weeks before I left. When I left we decided to be friends for a couple reasons.
A) Neither of us knew where we were going to grad school and
B) it seemed to us that you do a long-distance relationship when you know you'll eventually be together. Like you brave it for a few months or years or whatever, until you can be physically together again. And that was not the case for us.

But we were still crazy for each other, and as the months went on, we sent long emails, talked on the phone every day, and knew we loved each other. It eventually became clear that we might as well call a spade a spade and say we're together, because we are in our hearts.

We've managed to see each other three times since January, which is a pretty damn lot for Tucson and Philly. I have this crazy idea in my head----to just treat it as a normal relationship. Where it's neither casual/open nor "We're gonna get for sure." It seems like a lot of the problems in a long distance relationship can be found in any relationship. It would be tough and confusing if one of us found another person that intrigued and attracted us, and we couldn't decide between someone we love and someone new and exciting. But that could happen even if we lived next door to each other.

It is difficult being apart. But sometimes it has its advantages. You don't feel pressured to spend time with the person every day. And you don't have the job of balancing your friends and your boyfriend, making sure that nobody feels left out. It's also a really good way to get mail. :)

The way I kinda see it is I don't have a choice. It's hard for me to break up with someone when the feelings are still so strong (I say this as if I've had so much experience trying to break up with people. gah). We *could* call it off, but that wouldn't change anything. We'd still love each other intensely and think about each other ALL THE TIME.

So the way I stay sane is to view it like any relationship. We are in love, wherever we happen to live. You take it as it comes. Maybe you'll keep growing together for years until you realize you can't live without the other person; you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Or maybe you'll grow together for a while, have a wonderful relationship, until you change (as people do) and decide that your personalities and hearts have shifted too much for the passion to survive. It will be difficult making the transition, but once the wounds heal, you'll have a lasting friendship and good solid experience and wisdom.

Oh, please. Every relationship I've ever been in has been long-distance. Even when we've lived together. :)

In all seriousness, my wife and I spent about 20 months apart before we got hitched. Best thing we ever did. We spent so much time talking on the phone (as opposed to making out) that know we know each other better than anyone.

I've promised to uphold a moratorium on dating until the All-Star break (everything relates to baseball).

"Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics I am, for the duration of the baseball season, monogamous." ?

(Annie? Is that you?)

We'll just say I relate...