Advice on condolences

I just confirmed a horrible suspicion today.� A friend and bunkmate�of mine�for two years of summer camp died suddenly in 2000 in very, very tragic circumstances, at the age of fifteen.� Then again, when someone so young and so (as I always have remembered her) intelligent, talented, giggly, friendly, creative, and seemingly conscious of the entire universe leaves us, it can be nothing but tragic.

but I'm not here to eulogize.

I hadn't spoken to her since 1997 or thereabouts, but I was able to track down her parents' phone number.� However, I'm not sure how appropriate it would be for me to contact them at this point.

So long after everything happened, would it be just weird for a girl they've never met to call?

I just don't know.� If it is appropriate to call, I would wait a few days, because right now my heart is broken in a way I never knew it could be.

a small tribute: "nummy nummy in my alien tummy...� choooooocolate caaaaaaaaaaake."

Offering condolences to the family is a stage of your grief, and the family understands that.� At first when my da died, I was baffled at complete strangers feeling this need to give me a hug, but after a while I got it.� The need doesn't diminish according to when the person finds out about it -- because it's�his or her�grief cycle, not the family's.

It's been four years for them, but it's only been a day for you.� You'll feel better if you can talk to them, and tell them how important she was to you.� Share some stories.� Maybe they might cry a little, but they'll appreciate learning how she touched your life.� Give them a call.

And also -- I'm sorry to hear you've lost your friend.

*nods*

thank you...

that's pretty much what I was thinking.� however, I am mainly worried about the weirdness factor and how to introduce myself on the phone.�

I'm a teeny bit worried that it's the wrong person I read about, but she has an unusual name, and the article I read described the person I knew perfectly.� maybe that's a little bit of denial.�

I mean, what do I say?� "Um, hi...� are you Lisa's (dad/mom)?"�� That's a bit awkward.� "I know you don't know me, but my name's Leah Bender and I went to camp with your daughter at Appel Farm."?

I'm so bad at phone calls.

1) I would make contact. I haven't lost anyonw really really close to me, but from what I read people around the grieving family tend to "move on" faster than the family can/wants to. They may relish the opportunity to talk about her since the people around them might have had enough. And you may have stories or memories about her that they haven't heard before.

2) explain the situation with the newspaper article to begin with. Odds are if it is a mistaken identity thing they have had to field this question already. And it also gives you an explanation to why you are contacting them seemingly out of the blue. You've probably already planned what you are going to say condolences wise, but also have a back-up in case the article is about someone else. You don't want to say "Oh, she's alive then? Great! No, you don't have to get her, I was just checking."

If she's still alive I would love to talk to her.

But she's not.

And I just can't understand.

Hmm.� I've lost people, but never anyone close to me.� I've more frequently dealt with people who have lost people close to THEM, and I'm more of a . . . satellite?� I don't know.

Anyway, in my limited experience, I've found that many people, when they've lost someone, find more meaning in comforting others than actually mourning themselves.� I can't count the number of times I've heard, "I can't believe how strong he/she is.� They seem to be comforting other people more than others are comforting them."�

But I'll stop rambling.� What I'm saying is, it might be beneficial to them to be able to talk with you about it.� Might not.� Just a thought.

personally i think her parents will be chuffed that you still give a shit after all these years and tracked down their phone number and everything. and as rhi said, it'll be lovely for them to hear how their daughter touched your life. go for it. and tell us what happens! :) *hugs*