alone

zilpha. if someone loves you they are gonna be willing to do anything to keep you well, no matter what the sacrifice. it would be slefish to take yourself away from any of us. that's like suicide. it just makes the people left miserable. i'm pretty sure you don't honestly want to leave talcott, or distance yourself at all. relax babe. people have made it through worse, and you're pretty fucking strong in spirit. kick the diagnosis in the ass. i love you forever and i'm here if you need me.

With all the different possible responses, I really didn't want mine to be first.� I work better in reply than in original thoughts.� I could wait, but this is too important for that.

First (and most importantly), you aren't alone.� You haven't been alone since you signed my birthday frucard three years ago.� I'm surprised that you could even think that.� The flood of friendship, support, kinship, and love I read in your diary is the ONLY reason I still frequent FHDC.� In fact, I'm even checking FHDC before I check my email... I haven't done that since before the hiatus and it's all because of you (in this case, you refers to the other readers as well).

Speaking from experience, trying to pull away won't work.� You're trying to sever support ties that are too strong.� All this will accomplish is to hurt yourself and everyone you cut off.� We're here because we want to be.� It's not a contract, or a job, or something we offer because it suits our ethical sense.� This isn't a horrific event that we watch because we can't pull our eyes away.� WE LOVE YOU.

I don't know enough about diabetes to be of any real help with symptoms, effects, or control.� I was tested once� in high school (which scared me to death at the time)... but when the results came back, it escaped my mind completely.� It's now coming back to the forefront.� Not just because of you, either.� Let's just say... I'm scared again.

From where I sit, there are a lot of good things happening in your life as well.� If you spend all your time worrying about what could happen in the future, you aren't living in the present.� You spend a lot of time allowing for the bad aspects of the future, but too little looking on the sunny side of the future.� To change up your examples, what if you need an organ and get one?� What if you don't need dialysis?� What if you outlive us? (You've seen how I drive... it could happen)

Please... let us help if we can.� I know that if anything adverse happens, I'll be at your side.� Given the quality of your friends here, I don't think I'll be alone.� Neither will you.� Ever.

Good... I wasn't the first after all. Hooray slow typing and long messages!

ok, he said it better.

Hola!� It's your (insert expletive here) antagonist again!!�

You did, in fact, receive some pretty nasty news from your doctor.� Here's my take on it: you have an advantage.� You know some of the things that you could be facing.� You know that you have diabetes.� You know that it can wreak some pretty gruesome havoc on your body.� You also know that your immune system isn't the good friend it needs to be.� I'll be blunt: you don't have a silent killer.� You know more about your possible "side effects" than some unlucky person who is going to kick the bucket in the same time frame...from some accident, whatever.

Sight is a wonderful thing.� You know that you could lose it.� You have the foreknowledge - if it happens, it won't be a surprise.� Make the most of what you have.� Enjoy the sights.� You might lose it ... or not.� You may get to enjoy the scenery out there for a long, long time.� That would be a pleasant surprise and perhaps an unexpected blessing.

You also know that you can't have children.� That is a tough blow in life.� You've been dealt some difficult cards in life.� Again, though, this is knowledge you have.� There are other options out there.� Keep your mind open.

I don't want to put someone I love through the ordeal of having to take car of me. I don't want them to have to watch me get sick and deal with the possibility of me dying.

Um.� The possibility of death isn't an option.� We all get to die.� Some before others.� Some with more suffering that others.� That, unfortunately, is life.

Of course you don't want to put someone you love through the pain of watching you become more and more ill.� Those who love you definitely don't want to see you die.� But we can't go through life with the impending doom resting over us.�

what if I have to be on dyalasis? what if I need an organ and I can't get one? why would I do that to someone I love?

This isn't one of those multiple choice options.� You could end up going through dialysis.� I hope against all that is out there that you don't have to.� In the meantime, I have to trust that technology will improve so that dialysis becomes better and less painful. etc., if you must go through that.� If� you need an organ, you get to play in that lottery called life.� Just like the rest of us.� It sucks.� These circumstances and possiblities can't be helped - but you can choose to live your life in such a manner that you get the most out of it instead of concentrating on what might happen.� As for why would you do that to someone you love?� Well.� Perhaps because you have the opportunity to extend your life.� These aren't things you asked for.� They happened.�

if the tables were turned I don't know if I could stand the premature loss of a loved one. or loss at all. I've had too much already.

You HAVE had much to deal with during your life.� I don't see you completely removing yourself from a situation where someone you love was going through this kind of thing.� Your love would draw you to do what is right.

so I thought about pulling away.. distancing myself from people and then soon being gone hoping they might not notice the gradual absence of me... but I have to admit that I'm a selfish being, I'm also too afraid to do it alone.

You are a selfish being because you want to live?� Or because you don't want to hurt those around you?� Then count me in that group of "selfish beings," because I am all about living a full life.� I'm not the least bit ashamed of saying it, either.

You have a right to live life.� You have the priviledge of having a great many people around you who care for you and love you.� We are not going to leave you because you have some shit in your life.� Leaving us isn't going to make anything better.� We would certainly not be able to ignore your absence.

Being afraid is normal.� You are facing some scary shit.� Reach out and use your resources: your friends.� Shutting us out�won't solve your problems.� It won't make you feel any better, either.� And you'd have to live with yourself knowing you'd hurt the people you need the most.

Hold your head high.� You have a right to live.� I've said it before and I'll say it again:

You are worth it.� Every bit of it.� Every day.� One day at a time.

*hangs her head* now I feel like I should feel foolish for feeling like I do.

Teri has that effect on me too. :-)

never apologise for how you feel. good thing about feelings is that they can change. and anyway, at least she beat the sorries out of you. *LOVE LOVEHUGGHUGGKISSKISS*

Zilbabe,

My intent was never for you to feel foolish.� We're human; we can't help our feelings.��I am encouraging you to be proactive and not just reactive.� Hang in there.� We are here for you.

but sowwy's is what zillies do best.

I just ment that I'd be alone if I decided to distance myself from people.

and bro, signing your frucard is one of the best things I've ever done. it gave me another brother.