Hurt Feelings

It seems to happen on a fairly regular basis. Somebody says something on a forum or the wall that gets people upset. Then either everyone jumps on that person or the person feels everyone jumped on him or her. I have some questions. Does this happen in every online community? Does it happen because we are oversensitive? Does it happen because we don't know how to discuss things without making them personal?

I think it certainly does happen in every community.  We're only human, and emotions will always get in the way.  The key is to emerge from such a discussion still friends, and with the long time we've a community, I think we've done fairly well.

yeah, i think it does happen in every community, or at least in every community that's as close-knit as fhdc. i also think that fruheads are more prone to such misunderstandings and bouts of hurt feelings, because we do tend to be quite a sensitive bunch.

A lot of communication is non-verbal. Not so much what you say but how you say it. Facial expression, tone of voice, hand guestures. You can't get that online and people are more willing to assume the worst as far as intention.

every community i've ever had even a remote part of has actually been much worse than here.  anime related, music related, game related, it makes very little difference.  most people in the other communities are so obsessed with the anonymity of their postings and the fact that they don't have to speak to someone elses face that they are more than willing to say things that they'd never get away with in person, and care very little for the consequences.

the lack of tonality on the internet makes certain discussions difficult.  putting emphasis on certain words, raise of sentence tone, lowering, etc, are all lost in a written medium.  it requires a completely different way of communicating, and very few people can or want to take the time to figure it out.  the down side to that is that peoples feelings tend to get hurt on a regular basis as a result, and often it's not even worth getting hurt over (especially when it's commentary on some game newsgroup from some 14-year-old who revels in an outlet to vent teen angst).

it happens everywhere, unfortunately.  it happens far, far less here, and people here are usually big enough to take something like that and turn it around and still maintain a friendship.  i remember some of the flame wars on alt.music.moxyfruvous between people who were ready to kill each other during the argument and they're still good friends today.  that's a rarity for newsgroups and online communities, and it happens here all the time.

maybe being oversensitive would be a good thing: people are actually concerned about other peoples feelings.

 -= george =-

So I guess the question is are we oversensitive to what others say about us and insensitive about what we say.

It hurts me every time I talk to someone here who says how he/she lost friends when people said things that he/she couldn't just ignore.

well, the answer is yes, gordon.� and not really pointing fingers at anyone, either, because it's simply human nature in general to be more sensitive of what others say about us and to be desensitized regarding what we say of others.� it's a very sad aspect of said nature, but it's pretty much dead on as far as analysis.

it hurts me too to hear things like that...� unfortunately, the other human reaction typically to a heated discussion is to get involved on one "side" or another.� that just leads to more conflict...

�-= george =-

I think those that get their feelings hurt are just a big bunch of whiny pansies suffering from low self-esteem and a general lack of a life.

So there.

Of course, I really meant to say most of which George already wrote here, so he left me no choice but to go with the whiny pansies line. So, really, it's all Norg's fault! Get him!

aaack!� bad touch!� bad touch!� it is not all norg's fault!� blame ... uhh ... chrissy!

�-= george =-

*scowls and waves a Canadian flag at you*

heh

I think perhaps the problem isn't so much people being oversensitive and feeling insulted as others feeling the need to defend the victim by ganging up on the offender.� I realize the issues have been mostly in public forums, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone should voice their opinion on the subject and create more conflict when only 2 or 3 people are really involved.� I'm guilty of this, too, of course...it's always�very difficult for me to see an argument and not join it...but I think we all need to consider what we're hoping to accomplish by jumping into an argument that doesn't concern us.� Or at least make an effort to move to private discussions like IMs ("personal powerwalls") or Frums if you feel that what you have to say really needs to be said.

I really enjoy being a part of this community...and I hope we can preserve the friendly atmosphere here.� :)

The worst part of complaining about people hurting other people's feelings it that I feel obligated to be nice instead of shaking some sense into them. There is a little guy in me that wants to rant and rave. OK he's not that little a guy. Ok I have an 800 pound inner child.

:P

There I let him out a bit

Since stumbling upon this site I have been accused of calling jews nazis, talking down to people, firing salvoes of prepared rants, trolling for a fight, and I have been flamed. Blergh, oversensitive clods. With one and a half exceptions the aggrieved parties couldn't be bothered to discuss their disagreement with me.

It got to a point where I just lurk most of the time, because when I put up a proposition to be tested, the issue is almost always rejected without argument, or with some abusive comment, and I finish up feeling I have trodden on someone's toes.

Nevertheless, this is the best site for talk I've come across so far, especially because it works so well without the hammer of moderators.

You are not getting half the equation. It isn't all the other person's fault. Don't you think you might share some of the blame? That it isnt' that everyone else is oversensitive but that you are being insenstitive?

Yah, but some people need a good dose of insensitivity. I think, in general, some go too far with the sensitivity stuff. Sometimes you just gotta call a spade a spade. You can't please everyone all of the time, if you could, how could you ever take a position on something.

Perhaps you are being oversensitive to what people are saying about you. Why does it bother you so much? You are sensitive about when anyone says you hurt them.

Now that involves some real circular logic. Believe me, I could care less what other people think of me. Point to one time that I've been bothered by someone being offended by what I've said.

So you do care since it is possible for you to care less. Now if you couldn't care less that would be saying something.

Gramatical flames are the lamest. Try harder next time.

Sorry, I didn't mean that as a flame. I always find that locution amusing since you end up saying the opposite of what you mean.

Did that come out as an apology? I meant it as one.

Ah, came off as a flame, but then again, I guess that illustrates the point of the thread. Textual communication does not convey the meaning of the writer that well.

I have filed that particular tidbit away for future reference. I'm always open to grammatical corrections as a point of factual knowledge. The english language gets butchered enough without me adding to it.

*Noting and logging....*
*Knowledge has been acquired*

Gordon.. Tyco and I have the "could/couldn't care less" conversation with people all the time. It makes them hate us, but I just can't help it... for exactly the reason you mention, that it comes out meaning the exact opposite of how it's intended.

you did call Jews Nazis.

you made the point that you are yewish. i made the point that the jews are now doing just about what we germans did to them last century; oppressing them (Nov 30 2002 @


Why do you deny it? are you ashamed of yourself. You should be but somehow I doubt it.

That is going to get people angry. Do you not realize that? Do you really not see how immflamatory that is?

... to communicate ONLY by text.

yes, there is some tendancy to be over sensitive.

but also I think the person writng has to have some responsibilty for what they do post and the way they phrase things.

Even George, who I would say is one of the most careful to not hurt feelings people I know, managed to choose a poor subject line for a very well-constructed post. THe problem? Said subeject line TOTALLY changed the tone of the post.

It's a dangerous world...

Personally, I usually try to read things in the least offensive manner, and I'm usually careful about the way I write things so as to make it not-offensively-interpretable. if that makes any sense...

So in other words, people who write should be more aware of using emoticons?

I feel like I'm talking to my former boss here who told me "Sorry I don't have the time to do something as stupid as that!"

Well maybe if she did, I wouldn't have taken offense to a prior email (or as she called it groupwise) that she sent. She had no knowledge of how to express herself in email - she even used caps which to me, looked like she was yelling.

I know everyone here has the knowledge to look up/google what emoticons to use when expressing their opinion. Why isn't it done?� To make it look like they really are pissed?� Most of us know each other so we can tell tone. When I can't, I make another post asking "can you tell me if that last post is a snark?"�

Well...this is a lame excuse, and I know it, but it's true.� I know that I'm often sarcastic in (what is intended as) an affectionately joking way...and since I can hear how what I'm saying is supposed to sound, I don't realize until after I post (and, sometimes, until after someone replies and is offended) that it's not obvious I'm kidding and that I should have included a ;) or something.� As far as I know I personally haven't had any serious issues arise because of this,�but I think perhaps other people may have a similar problem.

As a side note, if you think I've insulted you in forums or on the wall, I probably didn't mean it.� :)

But you are a freak that likes Jurgen so who's going to listen to you?

That actually illustrates a point. I can say that to Renita without worrying about how she'll take it. She knows I love her. I'd have to be more circumspect with most people.

*cries*

BUT. BUT.. BUT...

*cries*

;D

It DOES ilustrate a point. A couple of them actually. The other one is that if you had put a :) at the end of that sentence, it wouldn't have had to be directed only at Renita. Most anyone would have seen that you were joking. I think Chrissy's point about emoticons is well taken.

For a long while, my usenet signature (back when usenet was the key discussion forum) used to say "Smiley Faces and j/k'ings added for the humourly impaired."

I keep getting distracted here. I'm my own worst enemy. I've havent' been addressing the issue that I really wanted to. It has nothing to do with the people that I've been responding to. It has to do with friends of my friends. What random strangers say can never do the harm that a friend can. In a short space of time I had two friends talk about how they have lost other friends here on FHDC because of comments made. That's what been bothering me. losing friends over nonsense. I was really hoping that some people realize this. I'm actually guessing they will, with or without my prompting. It just helps my own psyche to be proactive.

It's a tough situation, Gordon. Some people get so hurt about things that are said that it really does damage. I don't generally react that way, personally, but I've certainly seen it. Unfortuneately other than to say "try to be careful what you post" and "try not to take posts to personally" I don't know what can be done to improve that situation.

Do you have any ideas?

You know... I don't want to dredge up bad memories.... but I really don't want this place to go the way of the channel and just dissipate due to people attacking each other.

Why is it lately that everyone feels the need to attack each other? I mean, yeah, the weather has been shite.... I've been in a bad mood too... but....jeeeez.

At the risk of sounding like a cheeseball.. can we all just try to chill a bit? I really love this community... and I really love most people here... I don't want to see it go to pot.

*loves Nate* :D

*loves pot*

lol!

*loves nate and pot*

*loves gella*

People need to be careful what they say on the wall. Even if the person you are talking about isnt' on the wall what you said is still available on the archives. No one wants to read about people insulting them when they aren't around.

word.

Old Skool!