finally something out of Washington DC you can laugh about

from The Washington Post by way of Fairport Conventions discussion list::

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington  Post has published the winning submissions to its  yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one  coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much  weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever  having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation  while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in  which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks  you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly  receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified  bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his  conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of  boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word  from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding  stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,  unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act  of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted  very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of  sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take  coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.  (This one got extra
credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is  sending off all these
really  bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth  explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The  grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid  ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance  performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be  cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after  finding half a grub in
the  fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

But they never fail to crack me up.

I find it highly doubtful that the Washington Post printed the word "asshole" anywhere in its pages.

Give the lady a job as an editor.

That's not true they print George Bush's name everyday.

That's an example of one, not the word. Now you have forced me to tell this joke.

Three surgeons are sitting around the hospital lounge and bragging about how good they are.

The first says; "A concert pianist's hands were severed. I operated for 24 hours straight and reattached them. Tonight he is playing at Carnegie Hall."

The second says; "A decathlete was in a car accident and lost both legs and one arm. I operated for 36 hours and reattached them. He won the national championship this year and is the favorite to win the gold in the next Olympics."

The third said, "That's nothing. A cowboy was riding his horse across some railroad tracks and was hit by a train. All that I had to work with was his hat and the horse's ass. Today he is President of the United States."