stopping and stopping the stopping.

i love you, sweetie. anything i can do to help. call. oh, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for your candor and honesty. i think i was aware of maybe 30% of that whole story.

regarding the hurting yourself: hey, people slip up. shite happens. a hundred steps forward and one step back. the important bit, in my humble opinion, is keeping honest with self and others.

i wouldn't call it "your failure" either. i don't interpret it that way at all.

regarding everyone here believing that you're awesome and such: i think i understand what you mean. people having blind faith can be a terrifying thing because it doesn't give you room to fail when needed. the question is, or at least as far as i'm concerned, whether it is blind faith or not. you would seem to think that you're unworthy of the love/affection/respect/pedestal that people tend to show you here. would you make the claim that everyone on fhdc are mindless drones? that someone you've managed to pull a great con job on everyone here? i dunno, i know what you're saying from a logical perspective but i can't resolve it from an emotional one.

the fact that you're willing and able to be honest with everyone like this, to "face up" to your "adoring fans". i dunno zil, that would be enough to make me think that you're awesome and great and wowzers, personally. i can't say that i have the strength to do the same.

one last thing: lest i make the implied claim that i don't relate, i would leave fhdc entirely and never return if people dumped their lavish affections on me. i can't deal with people... feeling like that. positive and such towards me. urgh, it's making me all panicky thinking about it. i do understand what you're saying. but you really do rule, your diary has got to be the funniest thing online sometimes, your dry bitter wit is a nice contrast to the mindless drones out there. your honesty about your own trials gives others strength when they're feeling weak. you are a part of this community, whatever it is.

... I left out the part where the first guy I ever loved was killed in a car accident (we were suposed to go to college together, same major... blah blah)... and how one of my cousins (who I was VERY close too) (I lived with him for a month in fitchburg MA when my dad kicked me out in '98) he was insanely intellegent and had written 5 books�that he let me read and there were a couple more that he had hidden in boxes. he worked at a book store... had�gone to northeastern... and then he was diagnosed with skitziphrenia, didn't take his meds... he nearly cut off one of his hands and then stabbed himself repeatedly in the chest until he died. on mothers day. people say I remind them of him. in the really smart creative very crazy way.�one of my grandmothers died while I was talking to her... I dunno. people I love tend to die... or leave.�

You are not even close to being a failure, my kidden.
Just look at this post, at all that's happened to you. Despite all that. Despite the dark times even now, you're still here. You're still you. You're smart, beautiful, funny, a great person to talk to.
No, you're not a failure.

In a word, you're wonderzil.
In another, I'd say you're catywhompsical ;-)

Oh christ! Now Oasis Wonderwall, is going through my head,� "and after all, your my wonderzil" and it doesn't work and it's all frustrating.� Grr.

*hugs Zilly* We love you!! You are an amazing person.

eww oasis wants to be the beatles and I donna likes them at all.

p.s. I love you too.