RIP

*hugs* Your brother has a good sister.

*hugs* thanks... *tears* seems like crying is all do lately.

It just means you still can feel. And that's something to cherish. Deadness inside may not hurt, but it never lets you be fulfilled.

I know... I was kind of dead for a couple months there. it was convenient. now is better ... ish.

my dad died christmas 2000, it feels like i actively mourn every day. how many years have to pass before it quits hurting so much.

i remember my grandpa telling me 'people who tell you that the pain will fade are fools. it will never stop hurting'

and he was right. and he was wrong.

i'm sorry zilpha. i don't have the words to console, i've never heard them myself. i know the pain, i know the emptiness. i don't know if it works itself out eventually or whether this is a cross forever. but i feel that i walk this path alone by choice, there are always friends to help bear the load if you but ask.

i feel inadequate to express how i feel, i'll try one more time:

*crosses self*
your brother is at home and safe
where god wipes away all tears
freed from pain, and hurt, and touch
released from these too-mortal fears
never to walk that path alone
he watches faithful from your side
robbed of life, but granted peace
he's with you zil, just look inside

god? god is a fucker.

*shrugs* i can't exactly refute that ("I'd like to call my next character witness... uhm... Jesus...")

i'm more spiritual than religious. raised "christian", i use catholic imagery, i use tm and thai meditation to get me through the day, etc.

i find the image personally comforting "where god wipes away all tears". that's probably the only thing in my dad's service that really choked me up, don't know why.

i have no appropriate means of expressing emotive things, sorry.

*hugs*