post tramatic flashback.

i love you girl....*zilhugs*

I loves you too my ericalove. *hugs*

you both make me sniffly, *hugs everyone*

(psst, zil, want some *happiness*?)

what exactly do you mean by "*happiness*"?

:-)

is that like... a date?

or is that more like a threesome?

*evil grin*

it's a cd that i'm shipping out, pure liquid happiness. erica's already reserved cd #1, i can ship you off one as well if you so desire

note my platonicity, i'm the prodigal online friend who never moves beyond that point, but ... yes, since we're being silly i mean the threesome :)

...but who will keep the pacho busy if you and erica have each other ;)

you wouldn't be entertained at having to girls at each other in your exclusive presence? ;-)

yeah, two more people not interested in me, that'd be great :p

who said we wouldn't be interested in you?

it's that person who sits on my shoulder whispering negative things into my ear

yes, i'm stereotypical, the concept amuses and arouses me

the person who says all the bad things in my head is a huge fat lady wearing a wife beater and drinking bud light... unclean and greasy... and man hairs on her chin...

there are quite a few of them actually.

and yeah, most guys like that idea. you have a "normal" attribute to your personality. does that please you?

does it please me? yes and no. given my platonicity, yes, it pleases me because it puts me in the position of power. attractive situation vs self restraint, and i can win a self restraint battle under these conditions.

does it please me that i'm aroused at a situation against my will, especially given my platonic nature? no, i can't say that it does. being aroused against my will is too similar to being sexually engaged against my will. i've had way more than enough of that in my life. perhaps some women consider it a liberating force to be able to regain control of a situation through sexual means, but frankly it makes me feel dirty and used. again.

but in the spirit in which you intended it initially, i'm flattered, amused and aroused. i didn't mean for my initial post to turn into this, i was trying to express my sad-happiness at people being able to emote, i totally didn't mean to cheapen the moment

yeah. I dunno why this has turned into something like this. I meant it in a treasing playful way but then it got a bit twisted. I should have just let it alone, seeing as this exact situation is how guys ALWAYS want to use me. have used me, have hurt me, have cheapened me. yeah I've been feeling more than a little dirty and gross pertaining to this thread myself. its going to take a lot to let my guard down with even someone I trust in a completely safe sexual ancounter involving just me and this other. I may never be able to have a normal involvement with sexuality again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. currently I'm a shell of a girl.

...and then you say the right thing and i'm all happy again :)

you can't use the word always in that sentence, i'm a guy (*checks*, yup) and i'm not using you in that way. i wouldn't. the idea is interesting in a purely intellectual sense but completely unacceptable from a practical standpoint.

the sick and wrong thing is that i have this profound sense of guilt for being "less than a man", for not pushing the threesome envelope. i feel compelled to defend my actions, to identify my position so that i can salve my injured maleness. i keep self-saying "this should be playful, this should be cute, be a pushy male, you big stupid brute"

i'd say that i'm less than a shell. i feel completely empty and worthless inside. i couldn't be involved with someone sexually, i'd be totally consumed. i know this cognitively even as i desire it physically. i know that i'd just turn myself over backwards to their every desire, give up everything about myself, and for what? for a little temporary love?

i've been broken battered bruised
kept behind, torn and abused
useless, wasted, 'less i'm used
  in the ways that i don't mind
  in the ways that make me kind
  with the lies that take my eyes, hole my soul and leave me blind

--Mike Carr (Stigma)

being physically alone is better sometimes. sometimes you need to face the night alone, to face the dawn alone...

anyways, this is all completely beside the original point. zil, life sucks, it sucks for all of us, it's way too difficult in rl sometimes. keep on fighting, keep on posting. for me, there's nothing more soothing than reading and realizing that i'm not alone. that we're not all that different here

i'll try to express this one last time and then i'll close this window in disgust (i don't have the right words): i'm completely devoid of hope and faith in my own life, but i have nothing but hope and faith that your story will eventually be a happy one. i can't not hold out that hope. i feel like i have nothing else most days, my own life is defined in shades of black. but i can believe in someone else. (note my lack of physical, romantic or sexual motivation) you're similar in many ways, if you can find happiness somehow then maybe we all can

or maybe it really is this difficult. i dunno

you shouldn't feel guilty for not pushing the 3some thing. I appretiate it. ... I dunno. maybe I am unusual in my feelings but I have been put thru the ringer with guys. and honestly... I dunno if I could ever be with someone and not be destroyed. I get flashes of the incident when people touch me. even innocent touching turns me to jelly, shaking hands.... hugging.... brushing past someone in a crouded walk way....

I feel much the same way about myself. worthless. ugly. waste.... etc...

I fear that your hope for me will be fruitless. I almost rather you expect nothing from me and then be plesantly surprised if i should do something great.

I have faced everything alone. I know how to do that. the hard thing is facing things WITH someone... and I'm working on that.

i don't know if you've noticed or not, but you're 3 diary posts away from "most active user on fhdc" status