night-scares

alright, it's impossible to write any meaningful response to that, so I'm not going to:

my illness is a voice, a thought, a cloak
my heart is black, it's glass, a joke
my eyes are fluid, shattered, broke
i can't get this dream out of my head

i read it once, i stopped, pretend
repeat: reread, need work, will mend?
end of page, but where's the end?
i can't get out of this dream

there*is*no*rational*thought,
hearts cost; they're never bought
we never quite fail, but never seem to win
purgatory: hear and recant my sin

Your dreams scare me.

i wrote it immediately after reading your post.

i didn't read your column planning to write it, i'm not deliberately trying to use you as a source of inspiration. i just read it and got this crazy charged feeling in my head, like a capacitor about to blow, i needed to unload the energy, i needed to post something to get that image from the back of my eyes

there*is*no*rational*thought

atleast you can get it out of you.

...at least until the next time you post, eh? ;) i'm just kidding, overall i enjoy reading your blog

that's what seems to work for me. when i'm in the “real world” i tend to hold stuff in, not make any sign that i'm depressed or happy or disturbed... when i'm online it's easier. i can write something and expunge some of the excess emotion, clear my head out a bit.

...or at least that's what works this week...

i'm sorry you can't get it out. i can't say that your image is my image... i've gone into the persistent dream state where the memory is so vivid, so clear, that you're moved, your reflexes get stimulated, you enter that *feeling* again, whether it's a panic attack or not. when you're sleeping and you hit the dream state, that's not that bad, it's refeeling when you're walking around trying to do your business, trying to get your head to work properly.

...ever feel like you identify with kevin spencer when his dad calls him “broken head”...

anyways, i sympathize, i can't say that i've had the exact experience that you've had but i can related to being betrayed by your own mind. i can relate to the re-enactment mental place.

i'm sorry that i'm not doing a very good job lurking. :(

maybe you don't actually want to lurk? :-) I'm glad when you make an appearance now and then....

I haven't really been dreaming about the incident until that night (couple nights ago) I hadn't remembered most of it till then either. it was mostly blurr till the point of realizing I was back at home covered in my own blood. everyone at home thought it was self inflicted (and still do) ... because I have a history of that. anyway... yeah I have that dream almost every night now, every night that I sleep that is... which is about one in every 5 days.

eating has become a bitch lately too. damn emotional hurtage making things seem imposible.

maybe you don't actually want to lurk? :-) I'm glad when you make an appearance now and then....

Aww... see, that's why I read your column, you're just a little effing ray of sunshine. :) Remember what they say: “God hates us all equally”

...And FWIW I'm glad when I hear than answering spark on your end. Nothing worse than posting online and having to wonder if the other party went back to read it... well, it's probably worse ranting and accidentally hitting the post button, that would probably be way worse... what was I talking about again? oh yeah.... (I like hearing from you too :)

I haven't really been dreaming about the incident until that night (couple nights ago) I hadn't remembered most of it till then either. it was mostly blurr till the point of realizing I was back at home covered in my own blood. everyone at home thought it was self inflicted (and still do) ... because I have a history of that. anyway... yeah I have that dream almost every night now, every night that I sleep that is... which is about one in every 5 days.

Hrm. Again, I can't relate to the specifics but I can relate overall. I'm a chronic insomniac myself (diagnosed, but I refuse to take meds and I'm apparently “not a fit” for behavior therapy). Makes you feel like a heroin addict at times... shrivelled, wasted and ... used?

Personally the “everyone at home thought it was self inflicted” sounds... I dunno. If you wouldn't have said that “[you] have a history of that” then I would flat out call that betrayal. As it stands... I don't know.

If you were writing this as a story then the creep would have to be someone close to you. Real life isn't always that hardcore tho', not meaning to pry, I just ... don't have the right words for it.

eating has become a bitch lately too. damn emotional hurtage making things seem imposible.

No sleep and no eats? Are you taking your meds?

It's hard to be on this side of the conversation. I don't really know whether the next thing I post will be totally offensive, or provocative, or completely off... I don't mean anything to be offensive, I'm not trying to pry (quit posting on this thread and I will as well)

Here, this is a good compromise for me. I have this posted on my wall beside my computer:

“You are a child of the universe, no less that the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace within your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.” -- Excerpt from Desiderata (Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore, Dated 1692)

thats me alright. ;-)

and it was someone I knew. somone I thought I knew well...

dude, I love you too. how could I not? word.

*kiss*